Shido & Yayoi (shidoandyayoi) wrote in t_i_l_i_s,
Shido & Yayoi

Dear Heartbroken in Atlanta

First off, let me compliment you in your beautiful taste in music. With that out of the way, let's get to the real meat of the matter. I could start off with the usual men suck routine but that really doesn’t help anyone. Besides, they don’t all suck. Only 92% of them do.

A year and three months is, truly, a very long time given the usual week long romances that tend to dominate the high school scene. And it’s that usual weeklong mode that your girl friends seem to be stuck in. The rational they most likely understand is that of the short timer. When a brief affair ends it’s okay because no strong ties were really created. But in the case of a relationship of your length, they are most likely out of their depth in trying to use a short timer rational to what was not a short relationship. The only way out of that mode is to have your own long time love and sadly, most don’t get that until their adult years. The human reaction when a friend or loved one is hurt physically or emotionally is to protect them and well… what better way to protect them then by destroying what it is that hurt them?

Now 'getting over' a relationship can be a heart breaking process, as you’ve already discovered. Realize that part of what hurts is not reality, but the pain of losing the picture you've kept creating in your own mind of how wonderful things would be if this, that or the other thing had happened or hadn’t happened as this case might be. We’ve all done it; I myself have been guilty of this. We want to think ahead, to daydream of what might be. Maybe it’s not necessarily the heart that we hear breaking but the crystal ball in our minds that foretold a future that was only wishful thinking.

So, how do we go about this sticky situation? First step: create a different picture. All of us find certain types of people, certain behaviors, and certain looks repulsive. Each of us has our own, personal list. Put yours down on paper. Then, every time you miss him, and every time you go to the bathroom... picture the one you miss so terribly and whom you've already figured out isn't coming back with that kind of greasy, sleazy personality, hawking lugies at your (insert favorite relative here), with a row of festering zits all around their (insert their feature you love best here). Picture it in full color, include sound, odors, details. You own your brain. It believes whatever pictures you create regularly. The key here is to create pictures that help you get over rather than pictures that prevent getting over.

Second step. You know all those sticky, oozy, fluffy love songs you hear all the time? You know what I mean, love songs of every shade. Avoid them. Change the station when they come on. Especially any songs you may link to him. Hell, it may not even be a love song, but whatever it is: avoid it. Sensory memories are some of the strongest types of memories that our brains create. Songs, smells, materials. Our brains naturally play connect the dots so start by removing some of those dots. I’m not saying to do this forever but only long enough to disassociate him from them.

Well, that’s what I’ve found that works. I’m sure Shido has a few others. I hope we can help you on this so please do keep us informed hun.



Ah please forgive the delayed response. It is my fault I am afraid to admit. Nevertheless, Yayoi seems to have taken all the words from my lips. Though I must emphasize in my defense that not all men are bad.
The only thing I have to add is that unfortunately the friends that you may not consider "core friends" may not be able to understand what you are going through and therefore cannot be there for you. It isn't necessarily lack of caring on their part, after all they did wish to do the boy bodily harm in your defense...however, like Yayoi said, at that age they may not really understand what it means to have a relationship longer than a few weeks. So few people have that kind of experience.
People will tell you that you will get over it and that the pain will go away, but hearing it doesn't make things better.
I confess you are handling things better than I did, when my first long relationship ended. I could find absolutely nothing to laugh about, and yet you added humor to your letter. I'd say you are already beginning the process of healing.
Ice cream I don't think is the best solution...I do like Yayoi's suggestions on how to start getting over him. Personally I suggest that you allow yourself the time to mourn for what you have lost. It isn't a bad thing to do. The thing is not to focus on the "what if"s and "what could have been"s because you'll soon find that it is getting you no where. If you do find yourself thinking about how things could have been if something else had happened...try thinking about what could happen if you went out for a random walk lets say. Ever consider writing a story? This is going to sound extremely odd coming from someone like me, but try writing a story...any kind of story. Or draw a picture or write poetry. At first it may be inspired from the love lost, but you might be surprised to find that the more you write the more you write about a person you would like to find. Kind of like discovering a newer version of your dream guy.
Some women find comfort in reading romance novels...I'm not sure why, but I did have a friend that used this method and it helped. Other women use the method of making themselves so busy that they don't have time to think about the guy, until they run into another one they discover is better.
And finally there is the tactic of finding all the things wrong with the guy that you were in love with. At first it seems unlikely that you will find anything wrong with him when things seemed so perfect, but lets face sensitive was the guy if he dumped you on Valentine's Day? Not a nice way to treat a lady, if I may say so myself.
Most importantly though...remember that the pain won't go away over night and it may not disappear in a couple of days. It could take some time, and you just have to remind yourself that it's okay to be upset about it.
"Life is still worth living"

Please tell us how things go for you

::bows deeply and kisses the back of your hand::
Shido @}---
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.